The Diary of Chloe Beale
by bealeavable
Summary: A multichapter fic based around Chloe's experience in Barden and with Beca Mitchell.
1. Chapter 1

September 7, 2012

Dearest diary (or however you're supposed to start these things)

Do I introduce myself in these things? I have no idea how to use diaries, but I think I'll introduce myself.

My name is Chloe Beale and I'm a senior at Barden University as of today. I'm majoring in psychology, and the only club I'm in is the Barden Bellas, but that's okay because I think it's probably the best club on campus. Singing _and _dancing to chart toppers? Hello? Not to mention I'm one of the co-captains now because everyone's graduated and no one really wants to be in the club because of Aubrey, but we don't talk about that._  
_

I haven't owned a diary since grade 7, and I didn't even really keep it up back then. I actually read through it a few days ago, and I think I primarily wrote about some guy named Brian who I had, like, this _gigantic _crush on, and about a week later, I scrawled "I hate my life no one loves me" all over the page, so I'm guessing Brian rejected me or something? I don't know. I wouldn't know because I never wrote in that diary again. But that's about the extent of my experience with diaries.

Aubrey told me that keeping a diary was supposed to be relaxing or releasing or something, but she's always stressed and she keeps a diary so who knows if this will actually work or not? And it's not even like I'm _that _stressed. School's pretty difficult sometimes, but honestly, it's more fun than not and I've met a lot of great people so far.

I'm rambling. Okay. So, speaking of meeting great people, today's the first day of school being in session, which means the activities fair was today. Aubrey's determined to build this perfect team of ladies who are thin and can sing and dance well, but in all honesty, I think the most important thing is them having good personalities and being able to sing. Last year, the Bellas were all thin and attractive, sure, but their personalities were about as thin as they were and I didn't have the greatest time ever because of it. Neither did Aubrey, as she proved in the ICCA's…but we don't talk about that.

This is going to sound pretty silly after I _just _made fun of my past self having a crush on someone, but I met someone today at the activities fair. I don't know her name or anything, but I'd like to? (If it wasn't evident enough, I suck at expressing my feelings through writing in diaries)

I mean, I'm pretty sure Aubrey _hated _her because she didn't fit into the whole "Bellas mold" she's been raving to me about for the past three weeks, but I'm pretty sure she's the coolest girl I've ever met. I mean, Aubrey called her a _bitch, _and she held her ground, which I think is pretty impressive because Aubrey can be kinda scary sometimes.

But my god, she was _adorable. _I was sort of freaking out in me and Aubrey's dorm room about her for about an hour (she said something about NASA being able to spot my toner from Saturn? I have no idea.) and I don't know why. I've had crushes before, and I probably sound like every girl ever, but this one's different. She's different. I hope she shows up for auditions next week. I'm not even sure if she can sing (or if she even swings my way) but I don't know how else I could contact her or see her because Barden's _huge _and there are way too many people here to be able to find someone like her.

I don't know what to write about otherwise. I guess I'm actually pretty worried about the Bellas right now (not as much as Aubrey, but still) but I'm fairly confident that we can find 8 girls who can sing and dance and hopefully don't know about Aubrey's incident at the ICCA's in this huge school.

Aubrey was right, writing in a diary is kind of releasing.

Love always,

Chloe


	2. Chapter 2

September 10, 2012

Okay, so I may or may not have done something completely and utterly stupid and I really regret it but also not at the same time…

Remember that girl from the activities fair that I told you about? The one that I'm pretty sure I'm head over heels for? I sort of barged into her shower about half an hour ago. And I know that sounds horribly perverted, but I _swear _I wasn't trying to check her out or anything, okay?

(Maybe I checked her out a _little _but that wasn't my intention. Promise.)

I don't think I've ever talked about him, but I was with Tom at the time (I have an arrangement with him for-stuff. Please don't ask…even though you can't because you're a diary) and she was _singing, _which means her whole "sorry, but I can't even sing" thing was _total _bullshit, because she was really, _really _good.

I don't really have a good excuse for walking into her shower except that I've been told since I was a young girl to always follow the music by my mom (cliché, I know) so I did. I didn't even really consider the fact that I was buck naked and whoever this girl was probably would be, because there was _singing _and I was pretty sure whoever was singing was singing one of my all-time favorite songs (that I don't necessarily use for just listening to), so obviously I didn't put much thought into what I would do once I actually got to the source of the voice.

Imagine my surprise when it was the girl from the activities fair. Well, actually, don't, because we were both naked and I'm pretty sure imagining that would be considered as perverted, but—

That was my really bad attempt at a joke. Sorry.

So I got her to _sing with me. While we were naked in the shower. _

But then Tom burst in and he made things awkward—well, not that they weren't already pretty awkward, but it would have been nice if he didn't burst in like that (yes, I am fully aware of how hypocritical that sounds). I yelled at him really loud after and I should probably go apologize for that…

Anyways, I told her to come to auditions, which are in two days, and I don't think she'll come (would _you _come if some random redhead burst into your shower and forced you to sing her lady jam?), but I really hope she does. I want to get to know her in a _normal _situation, and I hope she maybe feels the same way.

I think it says a lot that she didn't scream for help or anything like that, but who knows? Maybe the campus police are on their way right now…

Shit, what if they are?

Love always,  
Chloe


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So you guys have probably noticed that I've been updating this/my other fics fairly fast, and that's to do with these reasons: A. It's spring break and I've had a lot of time (spring break's over tomorrow though so I won't be able to update nearly as fast...:(), B. This fic has short chapters, and C. It's a lot of fun to write and I've got _a lot _to write.**

**Thanks to everyone who's been favoriting/following/reviewing so far, I really, _really _appreciate it!**

* * *

September 12, 2012

SHE CAME TO AUDITIONS!

Her name is Beca Mitchell and she's a freshman and she wrote down on her audition paper that she's majoring in Philosophy and in her interests she put down making remixing music- and I'm realizing now that I totally sound like a stalker so I'm just going to stop now...

I'm pretty sure Aubrey hates her more, though, if that's even possible. I mean, I totally get that she came late and unprepared, but I know she absolutely _cannot_ deny that Beca has talent, and a lot of it, at that.

This is probably going to sound egotistical and self-centered, but I'm like, 80% sure that Beca came to auditions because I asked her to. Or maybe she just felt threatened, but I really hope that's not the case...

I've been trying for the past two hours to convince Aubrey to let her in to the Bellas, but she keeps going on about how she doesn't fit into the "Bella mold" or whatever, and I'm really getting frustrated because she just doesn't seem to realize that more than three quarters of the girls who auditioned don't even come close to the "Bella mold," if that means stick thin girls with rude, if not no personalities.

They were all absolutely talented, don't get me wrong, but in all honesty, none of them are anything like the Bellas last year, which, in my opinion, isn't a bad thing in the least.

I'm just really happy right now because I got to say hi to Beca after auditions and introduce myself for real (while fully clothed this time) and I think we actually might have hit it off _really_ well. I asked her where she was from and all that jazz, and so far, what I know about Beca Mitchell is that she's from Portland, Oregon, and she's here because her father wants her to be. And I guess that really sucks (I've seen fathers forcing stuff onto their kids firsthand from Aubrey), but I'm really, really glad she's here.

Also, she sort of made fun of me for bursting into her shower, which is good, I guess, because at least she doesn't seem to think I'm some creeper psycho who stalks the communal showers for fun. I doubt she's ever going to let me live that one down (if we end up being friends, that is).

Okay, Aubrey's just finishing up with organizing the audition papers and I have to go make sure she put Beca's name in the "approved" pile. She better do this for me or I'll steal all of her left side socks...

Love always,  
Chloe


	4. Chapter 4

October 28th, 2012

I have nodes.

Everything was going so well, and now I feel like it's all going downhill for me.

Aubrey even let Beca into the Bellas and Beca and I have gone out for coffee a few times; we've hung out _a lot _these past few weeks, but I just haven't been feeling nearly as confident as I usually do. It probably has to do with the fact that I almost feel like I'm competing with Jesse Swanson for Beca's attention, and that just doesn't make me feel good in the way that I almost feel like Beca could actually be attracted to him (even though I think he's more obnoxious than your drunk uncle at Christmas dinner), and I'm not even sure if she's remotely attracted to me, and it's frustrating me to no ends.

Back to the nodes. No one knows about them yet. I haven't even told Aubrey or Beca, because I'm afraid that they'll think I won't be able to sing, and I think that the two of them feeling sorry for me would probably just make things worse, if that makes any sense. I don't want them thinking I need care or sympathy when Aubrey's already going through so much with her dad and I don't want Beca thinking I'm needy or high-maintenance, because I'm not.

I'm just scared. I take pride in my upper register (it's what got me into the Bellas in the first place) and the doctors told me that if I get the surgery to remove the nodes (they recommended that course of action), I have a good chance of losing it. They then told me that if I _don't _get rid of the nodes, it's going to always hurt my throat whenever I sing, or maybe even talk. And I know that this all sounds really wishy-washy, but to be frank, singing is _everything _to me.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic. I don't know. The SBT mixer is coming up in about a week, too, and the Bellas aren't doing great right now. I guess I can't blame them, since none of them seem to really be used to the things Aubrey's making them do (cardio, walking around in ridiculously high heels, vocal exercises), but for Aubrey's sake (so she can finally get the redemption she's been dreaming about since the ICCA's incident (which we still don't talk about)), I hope we can get ourselves together soon.

I keep thinking about Beca, too. It probably sounds pathetic (it even sounds pathetic to _me_), but I don't know how to get her out of my mind. It's been absolutely _infuriating _Aubrey because I legitimately will not stop talking about her, but it's not like I can help it or anything. I can just find points in conversation that relate to Beca, and I would hope that Aubrey would be at least a little more understanding about that.

It's just that Beca fascinates me. Being able to read people and perceive their emotions is another talent apart from singing that I guess I can boast about, but I can't get a read on her (and yes, I'm fully aware of how terribly cheesy that sounds, but how else am I supposed to word it?), and I want to learn more about her. She's always directing conversation back to things about me or things not related to her, and I know for a fact that there is so much more to Beca Mitchell than meets the eye. I know it.

I hope I'm enough for her.

I'm sure things will start looking up for me soon. They have to…

Right?

Love always,  
Chloe


	5. Chapter 5

I got into a fight with Aubrey today.

It was one of those things that started off with something small and stupid, and escalated into something completely unrelated to what we were talking about in the first place. In my opinion, that's probably one of the worst kinds of arguments there are, because you can't go back to the problem that caused the argument, since the problem that caused the argument hasn't much to do with why we currently aren't talking to each other right now.

I told her I was on my way out for the day to hang out with Beca, and she was awfully snippy in her response. Before I left, I asked if there was anything wrong and she told me there was _nothing wrong, _which was complete and utter bullshit because there's no way there's nothing wrong, since Aubrey wasn't even _looking _at me. I hate leaving things like this hanging, so I kept pestering her (which was probably a really bad idea in retrospect) and she ended up _yelling _at me, saying stuff about how I wasn't even ever spending time with her, or spending time helping her with the Bellas since I was always hanging out with Beca.

I mean, I guess that's mainly true. I don't think I've gone through a day without hanging out with her at least once (and I swear a lot of the time it's her asking me to hang out; it's not just me asking her), but it's really not my fault that me and Aubrey's schedules clash so much, or that Aubrey doesn't even really let me help out with the Bellas because I'm trying to get her to change the setlist, but she never listens, and that's exactly what I told her. Next thing I know, she's up from her seat and telling me I can never commit to anything, let alone a _relationship, _because apparently she hasn't seen me handle a relationship before that wasn't just a hook-up or a friends with benefits type of thing, and I'm yelling at her about how she's always got a stick up her ass no matter what time of day it is. I ended up storming out crying.

We never really fight. I've never fought with Aubrey before to that extent. And I get it, you know? I'm pretty sure she's gotten about 2 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours, and she's spent the 46 hours not spent on sleeping working on some law paper that's not due for another week. She's stressed. But I don't think that's a good enough reason for her to say the things she said to me today, and I'm fairly certain there's more to it than just a lack of sleep. I'll ask her later on, but right now, I think we just need a bit of a break from each other.

I don't know why I got so defensive about the whole "you can't ever commit" thing. It's not like I don't _want _to commit, it's that I've never really found anything worth committing to relationship-wise, especially not in college. At least, so far.

I still went to Beca's dorm afterwards. I tried cleaning myself up to make it look like I hadn't been crying, but she still picked up on the fact that I had been crying and asked if I was okay, and I ended up bursting into tears again. Pathetic, I know.

That was the first time she's ever hugged me, though; we've hugged a lot, but it was usually me initiating them (because I love hugs, especially if they're with Beca), and this time, it was her. It was a little awkward at first because of the height difference (she tried putting her arms around my shoulders to hug me, which doesn't really work since I'm usually the shoulder hugger and she's the waist hugger) but she adjusted pretty fast and led me to her bed, and she held me for ten minutes while I told her everything that happened with Aubrey.

It's getting to be something of a problem. I don't think she's aware of the things she does to me, whether it's just showing me a random mix she made, or challenging me to give her a certain mix of songs so she can mash them together, or giving me these little smirks whenever she uses one of her god-awful puns in conversation, or holding me in her bed and listening to me rant about my best friend, and somehow managing to not say anything despite the fact that she's made it perfectly clear that she strongly dislikes Aubrey.

She's not aware, and at this point, it's really starting to take its toll on me. I can only go for so long without actually taking action, and with anyone else, I would have done so _weeks _ago, but it's just really, _really _different with her; I don't ever want to have to rush things around her, and I don't ever want her to feel like she's obligated to do anything, and I'm so scared of being rejected by her that I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

When I left her dorm about half an hour ago, she gave me another hug goodbye and squeezed my hand and told me everything was going to be okay, and I almost started crying right then again.

I'm sitting in my bed writing this right now, and Aubrey's sitting at her desk just a few meters away from me, and there's nothing I want to do more than talk to her about all of this and apologize for everything we said to each other today. Maybe I will.

You know, I might not like commitment, but I think that when it comes to matters like Beca Mitchell, I think that anything is plausible for me.

Love always,

Chloe


End file.
